Today, I got an unexpected gift. At 41 years old, I got to be a little kid with hurt feelings again.
Today, someone I love got annoyed with me and said a few rude things. Not someone who I’m super comfortable with, but someone I admire who I also don’t see often or know well enough to be perfectly, comfortably myself around. I think that’s why it actually got to me; as adults, we don’t get the brunt of others’ frustration in quite the same way that we do as kids. Adults don’t often speak to other adults with words that are blunt, intentional tools of shame that they sometimes do with kids. As I sat in a restaurant afterward, trying to hide my quivering chin—completely blown away by the fact that my chin was quivering in public from another adult’s words—I had such a sharp, clear memory of how awful that felt as a little girl.
I was what is described as “over-sensitive” as a kid. My feelings were always getting hurt. And the shame of tears leaking out in public—as a kid, that was THE WORST. Even now, I take things too personally sometimes, but I’m a grown woman; I’m not only aware that I do it and can address it in myself upfront, I've also grown into handling myself and conflict in a fairly savvy way. Which is why this person’s overreaction (and it was definitely an overreaction) was so unexpected that it knocked me back into that unconfident, shy, always-feels-a-little-wrong skin that I walked around in as a kid.
I don’t mention this because I’m upset with this person. It was just a passing reaction, and she’s going through some stuff that makes her more reactive. I get it. I’m writing about it because I don’t want to forget that beautiful, awful moment that took me back to my awkward, little-girl self. It was a blessing, honestly. My memory stinks, and anyway I’m not sure memories are poignant enough to feel the keenness of the shame I experienced today. It’s a good reminder that I’m not all those things I used to feel about myself. I know myself, I like myself, and I feel pretty okay with how I navigate the world a decent percentage of the time. It’s also the best reminder to speak gently, especially to kids. It’s just too easy as an adult to let frustration fly without remembering that little kids especially are learning to navigate the world and don’t have the luxury of knowing they’re okay just as they are.
Today, my feelings got hurt. And my adult self touched the quivering chin of the eight-year-old me and whispered that it’s okay to feel hurt when people say hurtful words. That it’s the person speaking who is really at fault, not the kid who hasn’t learned better yet. And that the person speaking is fighting a battle, too, so it’s good to be kind, no matter what.
She’ll grow into someone confident, that little me, and it will take someone shaming her as an adult for her to be still enough to fully realize it. But she’ll also hold the unexpected gift of what happened today close, and remember to speak more gently to her own little folks, who are just trying to get by while they figure all this out.
